The Great Muffin Debate

Hello? Anybody here besides the crickets? I think maybe even the insects of the night have given up on my blog! But it's still here...barely breathing. I actually do get ideas and urges to write all the time. Of course when I do, I'm in a public restroom, in the car or elsewhere with no access to pen and paper, computer or handheld device. (Actually I have been known to hog toilet stalls to type out texts and notes to myself, but I'm trying to show you how pathetic I am, not how I tend to be a space ranger). I don't know if it's all the pot I'm smoking, but for the last few years my memory has just sucked.

ANYWAY...I woke up early (again) this morning [what is it with insomnia??] and decided to read something deep and serious to get my mind going. As I flipped through the pages of The Fountainhead a fashion magazine, I started to giggle hysterically at how advertisers are spinning some of their products to appeal to 5 year-old pageant contestants and their parents the general public.

I'll give you an example. I think most Americans are familiar with "English Muffins." I'm not sure how they got their name, as they don't speak English and are definitely not muffins. I don't see no banana nut or blueberry in them. Maybe bran, but - ugh! Anyway, I digress. I turned my stimulating magazine page to find an ad for POPULAR BRAND "Deli Flats."

If I hadn't cleverly foreshadowed with the English muffin hint, all of you would be like, "WTF is that? Lunch meat? Shoes? Shoes made of lunch meat?" No, dear crickets - "Deli Flats" are basically skinny English muffins (like they need to take away more of the bread), pre-cut for your sandwiching needs. I am going to go the extra mile for you here Jiminy, since I write here so sparsely, and educate you about the price difference for less bread in larger packaging (aforementioned "Deli Flats") vs. NAME BRAND English muffins.

On the same website, POPULAR brand English muffins (6 ct. 12 oz pkg) cost $2.39 while an 8 ct. 12oz. package of "Deli Flats" sell for $6.50. However, I completely understand the cost difference when I look at the "user reviews." The "Deli Flats" received 4.5/5 stars while the English muffins only got 4/5. My own point has turned against me in this unexpected research finding! Not only do the "Deli Flats" rate 1/2 star more than the English muffins, but the packaging is so pretty!

I'm so sorry to mislead you, my little friends. Go forth and indulge in some "Deli Flats." Maybe put some shit on them and make them into sandwiches (I don't mean shit as in feces, of course, unless that's your thing). I hang my head in shame. Maybe I can finish my Ayn Rand magazine before I have to get up and shamefully face my day.

Dammit...now I'm getting the urge to make shoes out of ham...

Twilight Zone

No, not the movie! Sheesh! I'm talking about my private practice this week. It was a vortex of odd crises galore. I can't go into much detail but here goes:

#1. Female client split with fiance. Suicidal.

#2. Female client had first auto accident. Oh, and she has multiple personalities.

#3. Male client disappears for 2 days. Turns up in a casino lying pathologically.

#4. Female client's son has freak accident at work, gets electrocuted and dies. He is 19 years old.

This is all within 7 days.

Yes, I am drinking tonight.

PTSDuh

My poor little blog is hanging in there. I haven't abandoned all hope just yet for it.

Saturday, we had an alarmingly strong storm pass through. It blew down tree limbs and street signs and even a couple of fences. That's all well and good - I mean, we really need the rain here. But I. freaked. out.

The power went out around 8pm, right in the middle of my viewing of Meet the Fockers. Inconvenient, yes - but not as annoying as having the electricity blow in the middle of a theater movie, which is what happened to my friends! They got real rain checks! Anyway, we were a bit put out and all, but it was nice and cool in the house and we figured the lights would be back on momentarily.

9:00...no power. 10:00, nothing. At 11:00 we decided to just go to sleep, but something weird started happening to me. Waves of panic and nausea pounded and crested over my mind and body. I started having flashbacks of the hurricane. I started hyperventilating and then finally determined that I should probably go sleep over at my "sister's" house since she still had power.

Yes, I have post-traumatic stress from Hurricane Ike. It is the weirdest and most awful thing I have ever experienced. If you have anything like this from any trauma in your life, you have my greatest sympathies.

Very Cool!

Turn up your speakers!

Finally!

Happy Day, Fool!

From Wikipedia - the most reliable on-line source, hands down:

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The origin of April Fools' Day is obscure. One likely theory is that the modern holiday was first celebrated soon after the adoption of the Gregorian Calendar; the term referred to someone still adhering to the Julian Calendar, which it replaced.[2] In many pre-Christian cultures May Day (May 1) was celebrated as the first day of summer, and signalled the start of the spring planting season. An April Fool was someone who did this prematurely. Another origin is that April 1 was counted the first day of the year in France. When King Charles IX changed that to January 1, some people stayed with April 1. Those who did were called "April Fools" and were taunted by their neighbors.[citation needed] In the eighteenth century the festival was often posited as going back to the times of Noah. An English newspaper article published on April 13th, 1789 said that the day had its origins when he sent the raven off too early, before the waters had receded. He did this on the first day of the Hebrew month that corresponds with April.[3] A possible reference to April Fools' Day can be seen in the Canterbury Tales (ca 1400) in the Nun's Priest's tale, a tale of two fools: Chanticleer and the fox, which took place on March 32nd.

Well-Known Pranks:

• Alabama Changes the Value of Pi: The April 1998 newsletter of New Mexicans for Science and Reason contained an article written by physicist Mark Boslough claiming that the Alabama Legislature had voted to change the value of the mathematical constant pi to the "Biblical value" of 3.0. This claim originally appeared as a news story in the 1961 science fiction novel Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert A. Heinlein.
  
• Spaghetti trees: The BBC television programme Panorama ran a famous hoax in 1957, showing the Swiss harvesting spaghetti from trees. They had claimed that the despised pest, the spaghetti weevil, had been eradicated. A large number of people contacted the BBC wanting to know how to cultivate their own spaghetti trees. It was, in fact, filmed in St Albans.
  
• Left Handed Whoppers: In 1998, Burger King ran an ad in USA Today, saying that people could get a Whopper for left-handed people whose condiments were designed to drip out of the right side. Not only did customers order the new burgers, but some specifically requested the "old", right-handed burger.
  
• Taco Liberty Bell: In 1996, Taco Bell took out a full-page advertisement in The New York Times announcing that they had purchased the Liberty Bell to "reduce the country's debt" and renamed it the "Taco Liberty Bell." When asked about the sale, White House press secretary Mike McCurry replied tongue-in-cheek that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold and would henceforth be known as the Lincoln Mercury Memorial.
  
• San Serriffe: The Guardian printed a supplement in 1977 praising this fictional resort, its two main islands (Upper Caisse and Lower Caisse), its capital (Bodoni), and its leader (General Pica). Intrigued readers were later disappointed to learn that San Serriffe (sans serif) did not exist except as references to typeface terminology. (This comes from a Jorge Luis Borges story.)
  
• Metric time: Repeated several times in various countries, this hoax involves claiming that the time system will be changed to one in which units of time are based on powers of 10.
  
• Smell-o-vision: In 1965, the BBC purported to conduct a trial of a new technology allowing the transmission of odor over the airwaves to all viewers. Many viewers reportedly contacted the BBC to report the trial's success.  In 2007, the BBC website repeated an online version of the hoax.
  
• Tower of Pisa: The Dutch television news reported once in the 1950s that the Tower of Pisa had fallen over. Many shocked people contacted the station.
  
• Write Only Memory: Signetics advertised Write Only Memory IC databooks in 1972 through the late 1970s.
  
• The Canadian news site bourque.org announced in 2002 that Finance Minister Paul Martin had resigned "in order to breed prize Charolais cattle and handsome Fawn Runner ducks."
  

Help NASA!

From the Houston Browncoats: be of service to the space program: vote to name Node 3 "Serenity!"

When You're Having a Bad Day...

Why Parents Should Look Over Homework...

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel!

Never a Dull Moment

Who said bird vomit is useless?

Median Shoe

Shane and I have laughed for years at the famed "median shoe" that is always there on a highway. You know the one - half of a pair, usually a tennis shoe, lying haphazardly on the median or the side of the road. In suburban areas, said shoe is seen hanging from a power line, usually with its mate.

We have been bored enough to come up with theories as to why these shoes exist:

• Flew out of the back of a truck
• Someone threw one out to piss someone else off
• The shoes were to old or smelly to keep and the person doesn't mind littering even though it is totally against the law
• They are a gang sign
• They are really cameras that THE MAN uses to spy on the people

Regardless of the reason, I have now seen everything in reference to the median shoe. Check it out!

You Think You Know Someone...

When I called our insurance company to file losses from Ike, I learned that for some reason our Windstorm Insurance Policy had not been renewed this year. We had dealt with our agent, Darryl Golter, for years. He was a trusted associate. Last night, Channel 13 news told us what happened. Thank God the agency he used to work for is refunding our money. They are also treating the 75 families like we did have windstorm coverage, so no one is going to be out money from damages from Ike. 

I am just flabbergasted. 

Housing Queen

This pic linked to a story about Freddie Mac, but I couldn't help immediately thinking about Freddie Mercury...

Go Play in Traffic

Me and Friend Kate Playing on I-45

So yesterday on our way to pick up the kiddos, a police car started swerving in front of us, keeping both lanes on I-45 pretty much blocked. Then he turned his car sideways and stopped, preventing traffic from getting on I-45 North from 288 at downtown. Another cop blocked the entrance to I-45 South. For those who are not Houstonians, Interstate 45 is a major freeway which is heavily trafficked pretty much all the time.

The cop told us we'd be sitting there for 15 minutes. WTF??? Come to find out they had to block the freeway because George Dubya's motorcade was on its way to Ellington Field. So...we decided to get out of the truck and play in the road. Yes, my mother's dream has finally come true! All those commands of, "Go play in traffic!" have been fulfilled. She'll be so proud...

And Bad Mistakes...I've Made a Few...

1. Freddie Mercury's outfit

2. William Hung

3. Me posting this on my blog

Calamari Anyone?

It doesn't take much to make the news these days.

Morning Hilarity

On our drive to school this morning, Punkin misheard some lyrics to REO Speedwagon's "Take It On the Run" as follows:

You take it on the run baby

If that's the way you want it baby

Then I don't want a unibrow

Makes sense, no?

And on the way home I heard this about Clay Aiken and I had to rethink the unibrow.

I Think I am a Geek

Last night, Creech and some other friends were discussing the differences between "nerds" and "geeks." Being a pretty intellectual crowd (we could all relate to "White and Nerdy"), we were wondering which term is less of an insult. We never actually came to a conclusion, but Creech's latest post got me thinking about it again.

Dictionary.com gave me these lovely definitions:

Geek:

1. a peculiar or otherwise dislikable person, esp. one who is perceived to be overly intellectual.

2. a computer expert or enthusiast (a term of pride as self-reference, but often considered offensive when used by outsiders.)
3. a carnival performer who performs sensationally morbid or disgusting acts, as biting off the head of a live chicken.

Nerd:

1. a stupid, irritating, ineffectual, or unattractive person.

2. an intelligent but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby or pursuit: a computer nerd.

Excepting the third definition of "Geek," I think that's where I fit. I think I am more peculiar than dislikable and have better social skills than many other geeks. Yet I don't think of myself as stupid, irritating or ineffectual. Am I wrong here??

A New Diagnosis

Check this out:

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Ever hear or feel your phone ringing, you're sure of it, and when you rush to answer it... you discover it hadn't rung at all? More and more cell phone users are reporting hearing their "distinctive" ring tone or feeling their phone vibrating against their leg, only to find that it was all just a fantasy.

It's a phenomenon loosely termed "ringxiety" or "fauxcellarm," with some suggesting that cell phones have become part of the very fabric of people's lives, so much so that if they think have missed a call it has a profound psychological impact. The result is that many feel like their phone could be ringing, even if it isn't. (The phenomenon, I suspect, is very similar to new mothers who're sure they hear their baby crying, only do discover that the kid is fast asleep.)

Phantom vibrations may be purely psychological, but phantom ringing has a more scientific basis. This "psycho-acoustic phenomenon" is a complex issue related to how the brain processes sound in the 1KHz to 6KHz range, where most phone ringing is based. "Your brain is conditioned to respond to a phone ring just as it is to a baby crying," says one sound expert.

As well, if you have a cell phone, you're probably just a little bit crazy. Frequent phone users, are simply "more anxious," says one psychiatrist. "They are on tenterhooks, waiting for the phone to ring."

Something to think about next time you turn your favorite song into a ringtone...

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I learned a long time ago not to make a favorite song my ringtone. Rather than anxiety, I feel annoyed when my phone rings, so my "favorite song" quickly starts to irritate me. I am not a phone person at all. Send me an email and I'll be your best friend.

Good News