my new crack (no butts allowed)

it's been a most interesting morning, and it's not even 8am yet. i woke up at 5-something when the captain got up for his morning run. instead of getting up and coming out here to the computer, i decided to stay in bed and read some more of the book that currently occupies my nightstand, undoing depression. anyone who has read my blog for more than 3 minutes knows that depression and anxiety are my arch nemeses. i have bumped and hobbled along in life (sometimes even cruised), coping with bouts of one or the other now and again, always coming out on top. but i think it would be cool to finally be able to really understand why i have to deal with this crap in the first place, much less learn more effective ways of coping.

so far, this book has taken a completely different approach than any other self-help book that i have read. first of all, it is written by a clinical psychologist with a gazillion years' experience (not unique) who admits to suffering from depression for most of his life (unique) and even gives examples from his own child- and adulthood as to possible catalysts to his condition (definitely unique). i'm looking forward to later chapters when the author discusses real-life changes on multiple planes of life. it seems simple, but he says the reason that depressed people do the same self-destructive things (feel the same feelings, etc.) over and over is because that way of life becomes the only way that they know how to live. it sounds silly, but depressive thoughts, feelings and behaviors become safe and familiar. just like the runner who feels anxious if he or she can't run, the depressed person feels anxious if he or she can't think, feel or behave in the depressive realm. i think this may be one of the barriers to my going to the gym. depressed people don't exercise, you know. God forbid that i might feel better.

the author talks a little about theories, which i suppose is inevitable. in one section, he elaborates on alice miller and her theory that depression is caused by a distorted relationship between a child and the primary caregiver (usually mom) during the child's first 3 years. when you're a little kid (age 1-3), your basic lot in life is to make your mom happy. if you do things that make your mom unhappy, you will probably stop doing those things. [throw a toy at your next door neighbor's kid --> mom's unhappy --> punishment --> don't do that anymore] simple, right? but what if the thing that you are doing that makes your mom unhappy is something perfectly natural, like crying? [i fell down --> i cry --> mom's unhappy --> punishment or neglect --> don't do that anymore] so, before you know it, i have learned that it's not okay to express my feelings of pain, hurt or anger to my mother, and therefore i cease to feel them anymore at all. tell me a kid like that is not a ticking timebomb!

anyway, i'll stop boring you now with my psychobabble. unless you're really interested. if you are, go buy the book. it's crack for self-help junkies!