under mothered, part 4

and the saga continues...

my therapist was a plumpish, disheveled woman in her late-40's (i am guessing). i was always amused by the button or two that was undone on her dress or shirt. i walked into her office for the first time and i didn't know what to say. i told her about my symptoms and she asked me about my family history. i distinctly remember telling her that my family was normal - my parents were still married and that fact made it so. she laughed at me. being the people-pleaser that i was, i chuckled, too. then she got serious and said something like, "your mom is a drunk, your dad is never home, and you've had to make your own way in the world. and that, to you, is normal?" that was a slap in the face. that was the first time in 27 years that i realized that my family was f*cked up.

as therapy progressed, i realized that my anxiety stemmed from not knowing what the heck to do with this helpless little child. also, i had been alone most of my childhood (past age 8) and hated it. now, not only was i alone again, but i had a baby to attend to. i couldn't do whatever i wanted. i had this pain in the a$$ wailing every 5 minutes about something. i felt resentful. and the kicker is that punkin was really a very easy baby to deal with. she was sleeping though the night by 8 weeks and really didn't cry unless she needed something.

eventually, i had an awakening. i had the finally had the insight to see that my depression and anxiety had its roots in my own childhood. i distinctly remember my mother as a very sad woman. even my maternal grandmother was a very sad and bitter woman. it would only make sense that the legacy be passed on to me.

by then, my meds were helping and i was feeling very angry toward the world in general. i was working for a software developer at the time and learned html. i made a web site and collected resources for women and families so that they would not have to go through what i did. the missing piece was this under mothered issue, and now that i have it, i understand things even more. i find myself being more patient with my daughter and husband. i am able to give my problems up to God a lot easier. i no longer blame my parents for my problems. in fact, i thank the good Lord that i didn't have their problems. i choose to transcend all of that and be my own person, though i know things that i learned in childhood will sneak up on me here and there.

my parents did divorce in 2001 and i have chosen to look after my mom. she can be a big pain sometimes, but she is also one of the few people that can and will call me on my sh*t. i think that it's been a positive experience for me overall. i am not saying i am problem-free, but as they used to say in those cigarette ads, i've come a long way, baby.