under mothered, part 3

one of the things that struck me while reading the book is that when we're children, we're focused on our own needs and lives. we don't consider what our mothers are going through. that's one of the reasons why we usually don't work through childhood issues until we're adults and can see other people's perspectives.

my mom is the youngest of 5 children - 3 girls and 2 boys. her mother was cold and never hugged or kissed her children, or even told them "i love you." what message does that send? when my mom became a teenager, her father decided to hurt her sexually. i recently found out that he did the same to one of her sisters, and maybe the other as well. so here you have a helpless 13 year old being assaulted by her own father, which just reinforces the message that she's no good and unworthy of real love.

after that incident ( and i'll bet there was more than one incident), her bipolar disorder came to the surface. at that time, no one knew what bipolar disorder was. all they knew was that my mother was a troublemaker and depressed. so they sent her for shock treatments - 28 of them! in the '60's, ect (electroconvulsive therapy) was brutal. the patient often times lost their short-term memory. the doctor told my mother that she wouldn't live past age 16. she's about to be 60 this year.

when she was 18 years old, my mom's sister started dating a young man. my mom fancied him and basically pulled the rug out from under my aunt. they started going out, and got married at age 19. my mom says that she liked the way my dad took care of her and made her feel safe, though she never told him about the molestation. my dad's perk was that he dodged the vietnam war. they wanted a family and started trying immediately. 6 miscarriages later, i was born. my parents were 26 years old.

they stayed married despite my mom's mood swings and my dad's workaholism for almost 40 years. the early years were supposedly good, as my mom loved taking care of me as an infant. she adores being needed. and, as i mentioned before, our neighbors "adopted us" and helped my mom along the path of motherhood. it all changed in 1979, when we moved from the city (where friends were) to the country (where we knew no one). i believe i covered that in part 1.

so, when punkin was born, i was flabbergasted by the lack of feeling i had toward her. i even wished she would go away because i didn't want the responsibility and i sure as heck didn't want to be tied down to anything. now, as i reflect on the situation, i see my anxiety through my mother's eyes. i felt unworthy to be a mother. my role model had left me to my own devices. why should i have to tend to this baby?

i had enough of my wits about me to know that this situation was not optional. so, i coped the best i could. and of course...more on that later. (sorry nell)

if this narrative is stirring things in you, please visit mothering without a map. they have an online support group that may be helpful.