plug me in, but not too much

power, or more accurately the lack of power, has been a theme in my life for years. when i was a kid, my dad was physically absent (workaholic) and my mom was emotionally absent (mentally ill). as a result, i had to do a lot of things on my own like an adult, but was still basically controlled by fear of authority figures. when one has absent parents, one tends to get the message that the parents are not around because one is not good enough or worth enough. talk about disempowering!

i moved out on my own at age 17. my first college roommate was manipulative and quasi-psychotic. i'll admit i was afraid of her. if i did something she didn't like or if we got into an argument, she would do stuff like let the air out of my tires or not speak to me for a whole week (which is so annoying when you're sharing a 500 sq. ft. space). but she was also my ticket to fun. she knew lots of people; therefore, i went to more parties and met more people my age through her. she never turned anyone "against me," but i knew that she could and she would have if i gave her a reason to. so, i let her take my power.

in 1991, i finally moved from small town to big city. i had a roommate, but we basically led separate lives. along with my newfound freedom came panic attacks. lots of them. i would have the worst ones at night, which left me exhausted and depressed...and feeling powerless to do anything about it. somehow, i muddled through and the attacks stopped about 3 months after they started.

by then, i was dating the captain. one of the things that i first loved about him was that he made me feel empowered and important. he was then, and still is now, more than happy to sit back and let me handle things my way. i have always felt secure in our relationship, whether we were dating or engaged, and now that we are married. one of my problems is that i want to have power over every aspect of the relationship, which is extremely unhealthy for both of us. i think i am getting better, but i find it interesting that the minute i got a little power thrown my way, i got a little greedy about it.

i have since learned that my personal power has always been there. i have just allowed other people to take it away from me! i could have been more assertive with my parents and my college roommate. the panic attacks may never have reared their ugly heads if i had. but my family was all about not "rocking the boat." dad's working 14 hour days and mom is passed out on the couch? act like everything is fine and dandy! the roommate won't let my boyfriend stay over one night, yet hers practically lives there rent-free? what's so bad about that? let it go!

i have a long way to go to really get in touch with my feelings and become the assertive person i want to be. i force myself to say something when boundaries get crossed these days. the captain and i are making more of an effort to communicate more effectively. i have realized that the whole problem with my associate is just a stupid power struggle. i certainly don't want to be powerless, but i don't think i would make a good dictator, either. finding a balance that i feel comfortable with is proving harder than i thought - but i'll get there.