thanks for the advice everyone. i can be at peace knowing that i am making an effort to get together with s. to talk. if she can't or won't, then that answers my questions.

tell me today is not sunday! i haven't been to church in a couple of weeks now. i could have easily gone this morning, but decided to stay in bed instead. bad me. i should have gone to the college on friday to pick up my finals from the copy center. now, i will pick them up right before class, praying that there's no missing pages, etc. bad me again.

tomorrow morning i am taking my mom to get a biopsy done on some lumps that were found on her thyroid. the doctor didn't seem too concerned at our initial visit. he said they're most likely cysts. but that word cancer keeps floating around in my head. my mom has already said that she won't take any cancer treatments if it is malignant. she's getting her will in order. talk about expecting the worst, huh?

i know that part of her doesn't want to be here anymore. she's had a very tough life. i don't think she'd ever take her own life directly, though not taking chemo or whatever if she's got cancer is just another form of slow suicide. and what's freaking me out is that part of me doesn't want her to be here anymore, either. it's hard for me to take care of her. it's tough to watch her suffer from her illnesses. i don't have a deathwish for her or anything, but i wonder if the only way she'll ever be happy and get some peace is to go home to be with Jesus.

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