The Great Muffin Debate

Hello? Anybody here besides the crickets? I think maybe even the insects of the night have given up on my blog! But it's still here...barely breathing. I actually do get ideas and urges to write all the time. Of course when I do, I'm in a public restroom, in the car or elsewhere with no access to pen and paper, computer or handheld device. (Actually I have been known to hog toilet stalls to type out texts and notes to myself, but I'm trying to show you how pathetic I am, not how I tend to be a space ranger). I don't know if it's all the pot I'm smoking, but for the last few years my memory has just sucked.

ANYWAY...I woke up early (again) this morning [what is it with insomnia??] and decided to read something deep and serious to get my mind going. As I flipped through the pages of The Fountainhead a fashion magazine, I started to giggle hysterically at how advertisers are spinning some of their products to appeal to 5 year-old pageant contestants and their parents the general public.

I'll give you an example. I think most Americans are familiar with "English Muffins." I'm not sure how they got their name, as they don't speak English and are definitely not muffins. I don't see no banana nut or blueberry in them. Maybe bran, but - ugh! Anyway, I digress. I turned my stimulating magazine page to find an ad for POPULAR BRAND "Deli Flats."

If I hadn't cleverly foreshadowed with the English muffin hint, all of you would be like, "WTF is that? Lunch meat? Shoes? Shoes made of lunch meat?" No, dear crickets - "Deli Flats" are basically skinny English muffins (like they need to take away more of the bread), pre-cut for your sandwiching needs. I am going to go the extra mile for you here Jiminy, since I write here so sparsely, and educate you about the price difference for less bread in larger packaging (aforementioned "Deli Flats") vs. NAME BRAND English muffins.

On the same website, POPULAR brand English muffins (6 ct. 12 oz pkg) cost $2.39 while an 8 ct. 12oz. package of "Deli Flats" sell for $6.50. However, I completely understand the cost difference when I look at the "user reviews." The "Deli Flats" received 4.5/5 stars while the English muffins only got 4/5. My own point has turned against me in this unexpected research finding! Not only do the "Deli Flats" rate 1/2 star more than the English muffins, but the packaging is so pretty!

I'm so sorry to mislead you, my little friends. Go forth and indulge in some "Deli Flats." Maybe put some shit on them and make them into sandwiches (I don't mean shit as in feces, of course, unless that's your thing). I hang my head in shame. Maybe I can finish my Ayn Rand magazine before I have to get up and shamefully face my day.

Dammit...now I'm getting the urge to make shoes out of ham...