1.15.2007

Confessions of the Self-ish

I have a confession to make. My mother has "mini-strokes" quite often - probably 4 or 5 per year. I just got a call that she has had another one today and is en route to the hospital (which is about an hour away from me). My confession is that I do not want to go to be with her.

A big part of me feels extremely guilty. I mean, I "should" drive up there, right? I should sit with her while she waits for countless hours in triage. I am heartless for not wanting to go - correct?

But I have been thinking about me this time. It's cold and rainy outside. My child is home. I am in my jammies. History has proven that these mini strokes are more of a giant inconvenience than anything else. I spoke with my mom on the phone right before the ambulance came and she told me not to come. I wish this would all just go away.

So, here I am, justifying my inaction to myself and the world. My critic tells me how horrible I will feel if this is "the big one" and I never see her again. Somehow, I feel like I am past all that.

I am not looking for reassurance or condemnation. I really don't care what you think about it. I think the most interesting thing has been that I am actually focusing on what I want to do and not what other people think I should or ought to do. I am prepared to accept the consequences of my actions (or inactions), whatever they may be.

[Update: she was evaluated and sent home by 4pm. All is well.]

3 comments:

Bubba's Sis said...

Ah - the downside of all this "Self Care" - the Guilt.

(I am absolutely not judging you...I wouldn't want to get out today, either!)

cjh said...

I try to think about my choices and the possible pros and cons and then think, would this matter to me a year from now? When I was on meds for 2 months that shouldn't be mixed with alcohol, did I drink at all, even on my birthday? No, would rather have functioning internal organs in a year than to remember the swell, boozy birthday. Getting pissed because someone cut in line in front of me? I probably wouldn't even remember it in a year, let alone be bothered. I don't know what I would have done in your shoes but I'm glad she's ok. Maybe we need some tips re: guilt...

selzach said...

That sounds so familiar.

I'm glad she's ok.