where are the good memories?

growing up, i had heard of the term "abuse" here and there...so and so got physically abused, so and so got sexually abused. in time, i got to know what the word "abused" meant. the fact that i had not been abused justified that i had a happy childhood in my mind. geez, at least i wasn't abused!

my first therapist introduced me to a different term - "neglect." that meant that your caretakers cared more about themselves than they did you. basically, they were narcissists. sure, they'd take time out of their busy schedules to spend a few minutes with you, but their agendas were more important overall. so you grow up basically alone, taking care of yourself, behaving in an acceptable manner, and maybe even meeting the needs of your caretakers.

i've been thinking that surely i can conjure up a good memory of an interaction between me and my mother! i've been thinking about it on and off for 2 days now and i just looked through the 3 photo albums that i'm aware that we ever had. there are plenty of pictures of me as a baby and even into toddlerhood - i would guess age 3. i was being fawned on by my parents and a plethora of friends of the family. i remember tidbits of some of it. but then it just stops. it's like i didn't exist after age 3 or 4, save school pictures.

i admit, i was disappointed that the pictures didn't jog my memory and i am still void of a good memory of me and my mother. i have a few of me and my dad, which i will share later. i am thankful that i had a few mother figures in my life, but they disappeared after we moved out into the woods. i am angry at my mother for only thinking of herself, especially since i was her 7th try at a child. i am angry at my dad for working 12 - 13 hours per day to avoid the turmoil at home. but the final question is what do i do about it? i feel like i've reached a wall and can go no further.