i was just a tool

i know i am going on about my childhood, but if you don't like it, then leave. another book, prisoners of childhood, got me thinking about the whole 6 miscarriage thing. as always, there are several ways of looking at a situation. one way would be that my parents wanted a child so badly that they kept trying. but logic says that if this were true then they would have treated me better. a different point of view would point to the possibility that my mom and/or dad needed me, and thus persisted.

my grandparents made it known that my mother (the youngest of 5) was not wanted. they never told her that they loved her. my grandfather molested her and we suspect her sisters. with a childhood like that, it's no wonder that some kind of dysfunction would emerge. it would make sense that she would want a child to fulfill the need for unconditional acceptance and love that she never got from her parents. what doesn't make sense is why she stopped. why did she retreat into herself and become so difficult that my dad felt the need to stay away?

it just doesn't make sense to me. maybe some day it will, but today it doesn't.