where's the green grass?

i seem to have a love/hate relationship with my occupational situation right now. at first, when my department chairwoman told me that she didn't have any classes for me to teach in the summer, i felt panicky. anyone who has read this blog more than 5 minutes knows that i am just not cut out to be a domestic deity. i suppose i still associate "staying at home" with the hell that i went through after punkin was born.

but now that i've settled into this moderately structured lifestyle, there are some days that i find myself enjoying it. i have eased up on myself, so i am not chained to the computer working on projects the entire day anymore. i try to get out of the house every day, even if it's just to run to the grocery store. and sometimes, i actually don't work. (don't tell anyone, okay?) today, i went off to the movies by myself...because i could.

before you start writing hate comments about how great i have it and how you wish you had my problems, i must convey the flip side of the situation. there are days that i feel downright terrible about my lack of income and outside purpose. the captain has never said or done anything to make me feel guilty or like i am not pulling my weight. it's just that i am used to being very independent, organized and making my own money. i realize the nature of my business is to grow slowly, but patience has never been one of my virtues.

i guess the grass is always greener somewhere else.