A Birthday Tale Revisited

to my mother-in-law...an ode on your birthday: on this day, 39 years ago (i couldn't say 29 because that would make her younger than me, and that's just not right since i'm married to her son, you know?) a lovely young lady was born. oddly enough, her parents named her mil. since her father was in the beer business, she quickly became an alcoholic. however, since anheuser busch promoted responsible drinking, she quickly joined a 12-step program and dried out. (now she only gets hammered on every third tuesday and bank holidays) since she couldn't drink anymore, she and her girlfriends would often go out to the lake to hang out, skinny dip and smoke weed. one day, after finishing a couple of double cheeseburgers and having a nap, she met a young man who was wade fishing near their swimming spot. oddly enough, his name was fil and he was also stoned! the two hit it off and got married, though neither one of them can remember the wedding. unfortunately fil didn't have much of a career besides selling weed to the neighborhood kids. when mil became pregnant with their first child, fil swore off weed forever, switched to beer, and started working for mil's dad.

9 months later, mil and fil had their first bouncing baby boy. they were going to name him wil, but decided instead to call him captain. they took the baby everywhere they went because they figured that a baby can't really take care of itself. once, they ran out of formula, so fil put some beer in the baby's bottle. captain would never drink formula ever again! even his first words were "bud light." mil and fil considered sending captain to rehab, but found out that they didn't work with 2 year olds.

mil and fil had their second boy another year later and were going to name him bil, but decided instead to call him lucifer. the boys grew into tall, good-looking young lushes, just like their father. one day, captain was sitting on the front porch, drinking beer, when a young lady from out of town walked up to him and asked him if he wanted to buy some weed. Even though captain was strictly a beer man, he ended up buying a dime bag from the girl, whose name was tigger. tigger thought captain was cheap, only buying a dime bag, but since captain was cute, she sat on the porch and drank beer with him. soon, the two feel in love and were married.

tigger soon discovered that she not only had bagged the kindest, most loving guy in the universe, but had also inherited another mother - a real, kind, honest, caring, worry-about-you, really-love-you mother. and for that, on this day and every day, she feels blessed.

i love you, mil! happy birthday!

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