stepping out for closure

i was talking to a client who is in recovery for alcoholism the other day. apparently, steps 4 and 5 of the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous are really difficult to get through. you have to make a moral inventory and then write out a list of your resentments and how you played a part in the situation. moreover, you have to share all of this information with someone (probably a sponsor). it got me thinking about who i felt any lingering resentments towards. at first, i couldn't think of anyone. i have pretty much put my past hurts regarding my parents to rest. then, it dawned on me. i still hold resentments toward 2 of the sorry bastards who had the nerve to call themselves my boyfriends - one in high school and one in college. then there's also a former "best friend" that i find myself still angry at.

to edward cooke, my high school "first love": thanks for always putting me second...behind your car. it always makes a girl's self-esteem blossom when her very first boyfriend in the whole world who says he loves her would rather spend a saturday shining his chevy 350 big block than doing anything with her. but it was my bad for not seeing that as a red flag early into the relationship. also, thanks for letting me spend all of my hard earned money on you because you had to put all of your money into your car "so we can go out." but most of all, thanks for cheating on me with tara what's-her-name. i think what was worse than the betrayal was the fact that you picked someone so unattractive! if your taste is really that bad, then i was out of your league anyway. but again, it was my bad for believing anything that came out of your stupid, pathetic mouth. at least i learned that guys aren't trustworthy. thanks, dude. it made my future relationships so much easier!

to michael johnson, my mistake in college: just like everyone else, i have no control over who my heart picks to fall in love with. i found you funny and charming and such a gentleman at first. i could overlook the 12-pack you consumed after work every day because 9 times out of 10, i helped you finish it. in fact, i helped you a lot, and i am not talking about beer. i helped you finish up your classes so you could transfer to a 4-year university. without me, you would have never gone. you know it, and i know it. i helped you financially. i remember paying for you to go to the doctor a couple of times, bringing you bags of food from the grocery store, even supplying you with cigarettes. yet, toward the end of our relationship, instead of being a man and telling me that it was over for you, you strung me along until i finally cornered you and asked. then you told me that you didn't love me anymore, and hadn't for quite a while. you said that you were with me because it was convenient. you said you saw no future for us together. and then you said you were already seeing someone else.

my part in this one is painfully easy to see. i am such a caretaker! i was so busy making sure everything was taken care of that i got taken for a ride. another check on the "can't trust men" chart! toward the end of the relationship, my intuition was screaming at me that something was wrong, and i started acting really bitchy. i also started confiding in another man about my relationship troubles, which isn't the best thing to do if you're trying to salvage the situation. however, i didn't stay with him because it was "convenient" and i thought i still loved him. if i had thought otherwise, i would have broken up with him. so, michael johnson...i would have to say that the way you handled the situation was very cowardly and unmanly. and borrowing the phrase from george carlin, "fuck you!"

and last, and maybe least, to susan kluber: somehow, we stayed in contact since we were 4 years old. we considered ourselves really good friends for over 17 years. i admit i made a big mistake when we all went to the river, and i apologized for it over and over. i don't know what else you wanted from me. then, when i needed your shoulder the most, you disappeared. you didn't even tell me that you didn't want to be friends anymore. you blew me off until i couldn't miss the hint anymore. i can't help but feel that there had to be something more - that you wouldn't dump such a long-time friendship over one stupid mistake. but you're not here so that i can ask you. i have no idea where you are, and at this point it doesn't matter. i know you're not my friend, so why should i bother wasting another thought, or word, on you?

wow! i do feel better! maybe those drinker people really do know what they're talking about!