manic monday

the alarm went off while i was in the middle of a dream. mondays after a 3-day weekend are difficult enough, but mid-dream waking is just...an affront to nature. i feel so sleepy for hours when my rem sleep is interrupted. i have been having traveling dreams lately. saturday night, i dreamt i was vacationing with friends in san francisco (though the scenery looked nothing like the real san fran) and this morning i was with my dad in new orleans (again, no resemblance to the real place). we had just gotten lost when the alarm went off. somnolence aside, maybe it wasn't all bad to have been awakened this time.

years ago, when i was struggling to crawl out of the pit of postpartum depression, i was reading anything i could get my hands on that could possibly help motivate me to get off the couch, set goals, eat better, exercise, do nice things for myself, want to live. someone had given me a book by tony robbins - the motivational speaker with the big teeth. i couldn't tell you what most of the book was about, but one thing did stick with me. he said that we think we make decisions, but we really don't. decisions are choices we make and then take action about. we can't just decide that we're going to do something "someday" or make a decision and then change nothing.

i have a picture in my head of what i'd like my daily life to look like, and it would involve several changes from how i live now.

• i'd like to add daily quiet time for prayer and reflection - just 10 or 15 minutes per day
• i'd like to start exercising again - start with 1 time per week
• i'd like to limit my time at the computer - 1 hour per day over and above working
• i'd like to get involved in a Bible study or small group

i wish i could just make the decision to do these things, but i am a realist. i know i lack motivation. today, it's that i'm too sleepy. tomorrow, it'll be something else. but one of these days, i am going to shock you all (and myself) by not thinking about it...just doing it...experiencing the rewarding feelings...stop sabotaging myself and keeping myself cornered in the safety of my misery...stop being afraid to live.