happy 7th birthday...

...to the girl who rocks my world!

7 years?! yeah, yeah...time flies. my relationship with punkin has always been bittersweet. i mentioned to the captain last night that i was feeling a little anxious, and at the time i couldn't identify the source of my anxiety. but i understand it today. even after 7 years, my mind and body go into overdrive around march 1st. it's not a conscious thing, believe me.

around this time of the morning 7 years ago, i was being hooked up to all kinds of machines - a pitocin drip, a fetal monitor, iv fluids, etc. i was about to go into labor for about 8 hours. at 2:58 pm, i would give birth to my daughter, with my husband and my mother there in the room with me, supporting me physically and emotionally. i would go into a semi-stupor after that, out of sheer exhaustion. our pastor would pray over us and i would hold back tears. why wasn't it okay to cry?

eventually, i would be moved to a more private room, where a parade of well-wishers would come through to visit and see the baby. i kept the baby in my arms unless someone else wanted to hold her. i was afraid to put her down in the bassinet. weren't mothers supposed to hold their newborns all the time? how was i going to go to the bathroom if no one was here to hold her? the visitors would smile and coo at punkin when she would cry. that sound would reverberate through my entire body, making it stiff as a board and anxiety in its most raw form would grip me. why is she crying? i must be bad at this mothering thing!

the captain says that i am too easy on punkin nowadays. he's probably right. i think there will always be a part of me that will mourn the first 2 - 3 months of her life that i missed out on. i think that i am probably trying to make up for it, which is futile. heck, she probably doesn't even remember it. all i am doing is spoiling her in an effort to make myself feel better, which doesn't work because i see her acting spoiled and it pisses me off! i have found a way to get her to stop the spoiled act in its tracks, though. if you've seen the latest version of charlie and the chocolate factory (with johnny depp), you'll understand this. i just tell her in my worst british accent:

daddy, i want another pony.

it works every time.