know thyself

i remember taking abnormal psychology class in both undergrad and grad school. it was hilarious. with every illness we studied, someone became convinced that he/she suffered from it. some people took on multiple diseases. this, of course, is normal. considering that 80% of the american population will experience at least one symptom of mental illness in their lifetime (anxiety, depression, loss of appetite, etc.), i don't think that it's terribly nuts to identify with some of these things. i knew i had a tendency toward depression and anxiety, perfectionism and narcissism. no shock there.

what still floors me from time to time is that even though i know something will trigger a sad mood or a loss of motivation in me, it's like i forget about it in the moment. for the past few days, i have felt immobilized. yes, i was dealing with a high mold spore count and some kind of intestinal germ. but these things in themselves don't usually make me feel like i never want to teach, counsel, parent, or speak to anyone ever again, you know? when the sun came out for the first time in a few days yesterday, i felt so much better! i got things done! i talked on the phone! then i realized the shift in my mood. duh!! if i had realized what was going on a few days ago, i might have been able to force myself to push through the fog and get distracted instead of lying around, wishing someone would take me away from my self.

i was telling a friend about this on the phone this morning and she said i should put a sticky note on the fridge that says something like, "just because the day is dark and gloomy doesn't mean you have to be!" maybe i'll give that a try...and invest in some lux lights.