there are times when i am convinced that i was not meant to be anyone's mother. this morning is a good example. i got very angry when punkin was dawdling and just shut down. she wouldn't let me brush her hair and so i threw it in the little toiletry basket and walked off, just like a spoiled child. that got her upset, of course. by some miracle, she made it to the bus, but we didn't speak to each other. so now, i am sitting here feeling like a piece of shit, thinking that if something happened to me or her today that's how it would end. with tears and anger.

i had read a question on someone's blog about whether messing with fertility is messing with God's plan for your life. at times like these, i think the answer is yes. i am not posting this to get a bunch of comments about how everyone makes mistakes, i am only human, i am a good mom, blah, blah. i just want to feel crappy right now.