mama's girl

a lot of the women who came to our postpartum support group were having an extra hard time because their mothers were deceased, in another country, or otherwise unavailable. it was extra hard on those women because when you become a mother, you really need to be mothered as well.

my mother was there for me during my own depression - at least the worst of it. yesterday and today, i find myself slipping down into the abyss again. when i try to picture something comforting, it is the warm, plump body of a mother. my mother's body is far from warm and plump. in fact, when i went to her house a little earlier, she was barely alert and so thin that i just wanted to shove a cheeseburger down her throat. and then i remembered: i am the mother now.

i am the mother of my mother. so who is the mother for me? i have a few mother figures in my life since my real one is so inaccessable. but they're not here right now. there's no one here. i am alone in my house...like i was when punkin was a baby. i know that my kitchen and living room will be filled with family sounds soon. i wish i could tell you that i was looking forward to that. the thing about depression is that it sucks every happy thought and joyful feeling from your being. and when rabbit asks "what's wrong?" i don't get to say "i want my mom." i get to say "i'm just like my mom."

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